5 Lessons in Finding Love [Template]
Ok. Let's be honest here. 🙌 Being single can be really tough. If you want to be in a relationship; if you're searching for 'your person’ it can get you down - believe me - I know! You are given advice by every friend, colleague, aunty, parent, and sibling, all with different perspectives on what you MUST be and do and ALL the things you are doing wrong (because naturally, they know all the answers… hmmm).
Some absolute classics I had while I was single:
You're so PICKY. Why are you so picky?? You really need to lower your standards.
You have to be on the apps, all the time. It's a numbers game. Go on as many dates as you can and eventually you will find the right one.
Don't be desperate 💁♀️
You're too old. All the good ones are gone.
You need to be less intimidating. Men are frightened of you.
Now, to be clear, maybe some of these things had some truth in them, but if any one person had "The Answer" then they would be a very rich person indeed.
So here are the tips 💡that I found most helpful, from years of searching for The One, whilst meaning my self-confidence and sanity remained intact. Yours to take or leave as you wish!
1. Be You. If you are going to find the right person, who is going to last with you for the long run, there is little point in pretending to be someone you aren't. I promise, they will find out eventually. That's not to say you don't try a bit harder; get out of your tracky bottoms and get out there, but if you are fundamentally pretending to be someone you aren't then its not going to work.
If you don’t know yourself, then learn - What's important to you? What are your values? What are the deal breakers? The better you know yourself, the better you'll be able to filter for the right person and put yourself in situations where you'll meet people with similar values and interests. Ask your friends too (the good ones) they can help you understand both more about you and what kind of person is good for you too.
The person you are with should make you a better version of yourself, and visa versa. The sum of the halves should be greater than the whole. Like a jigsaw puzzle, you just fit - easy, comfortable, and safe.
2. Apps - The Modern Day Bar. I always felt a bit urgh about using apps. They seem to drive poor behaviour and values and often made me feel horrible about myself. Why didn't they reply? Why have they ghosted me? Use them when it feels right. Hold them lightly. Don't take it personally, treat it as a fun game. Go for coffees not drinks or dinner and always in a public place. Remember to play nice: If you aren't interested after a date, say "Thanks but I didn't feel a connection. I wish you all the best". Done.
Apps are though, nowadays, the modern day bar, of which over half of my recently married friends met their partners. So when it feels good and right, go for it.
3. Look at the alternative. OK so this one is hard, but I'm going to be real. It may be that you don't find someone (I think very unlikely, but let's think this through!). However, the alternative of being with the wrong person, because you are scared, is much MUCH worse.
There are so many people miserable and trapped, who wake up every day with dread and don't want to go home.
That's not real life, and not the life you deserve. Don't risk life-long misery because you are frightened of being alone. As a great friend said to me once: "Caz, we are single! We are one step away from meeting someone - one trip to the coffee shop, one meeting, one party." If you're trapped, you are a long way from that possibility (without complications!). When you can accept this, it is hugely empowering - that sense of acceptance is palpable.
4. Be the best version of yourself. If you are loving life, enjoying and living it to the full, you will be radiating with wonderful positive energy. What is hotter than that?? People notice people who are authentic, real, and passionate about life. There's also a side benefit of this, that you are living your best life too, to be clear. Don't waste time waiting. Get out there,
The grass isn't greener - you go dance on your green grass every day and see who comes and dances with you!
5. Patience and trust. Humans are tuned into the energy of people, whether consciously or not. Finding love can be like trying to catch a feather. When we snatch, grab, run after with desperation, it can allude us. But when we are calm, patient and glow with being unapologetically ourselves, that's when the feather comes and sits in our hands.
If you want to take your mindset to the next level, use this guide Positive Affirmations for Finding Love each day. This guide includes why and how affirmations work, 12 Affirmations for Finding Love PLUS a template you can use to write your own. Download it here
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